portrait of the artist as a teenager

it's funny how your perspectives change as you get older -- it doesn't even really take that much time. i remember writing a poem called "sunrise" around the time i graduated from high school--so with all the wisdom of my sixteen-year-old self. the final stanza was rather reflective of my (not so charitable) views on sex/relationships, and people who thought they were "in love." (of course, i suppose the irony was, at the time, i rather thought i'd been burned pretty badly).

they had decided simply a long time ago that
caffeine was for lovers and others
who considered the day worth staying awake for

there was something a bit confused here, of course. "they" were obviously lovers, in some sense of the word--but i think they were the subjective "me" of the poem. that is, the protagonist you write about who really wish you were a bit more like (or the you that lives inside your head and that makes you wonder why she never is expressed quite right, until one day you realize you never were her at all--she's just part of you), the who-i-would-be-if-only. at any rate, i thought they were right, and so even in going back to bed--to sleep? to love? who knows?--they were self-defined as "not-lovers," as no cheap acceptors of that stupid word that teenagers use and think means something--or, that certain other teenagers think they're above the use of.

i submitted the poem for a contest of some kind, and had a former english teacher of mine read it. the part of the comment that really got me thinking about this accused me of mocking the "they" and then redeeming them with the end of the poem, which, at the time (since it seemed like praise, i found it gratifying, of course) somewhat confused me.

but he was so, so right. not that, as he pointed out, someone my age would have been able to write about parents going back to bed--and it certainly wasn't about that--but there was definitely the edge that mocked a certain kind of someone, and then somehow made it clear that it was okay. the point is, now, four years and some months later, i finally understand why you would watch the sunrise and then crawl back to bed, and i think maybe i even begin to realize what's actually superfluous about "them." it's true--caffeine is for lovers and others who consider the day worth staying awake for (but it's worth it for a lot of reasons that i wasn't thinking about back then)--and in any case, i evidently didn't know what i meant at the time.

don't get me wrong--i still haven't bought into that whole "love" thing. it's just a word, and a confused one, and i don't have a use for words without clear meanings. and that's naive in its own way, but i think i'm okay with that. i'll let you know in four years. but i'm learning to go back to bed at 7 or 8 am, instead of running at the first sign of conversation, and that has to stand for something. who'd have known?--apparently i can grow up, too.